pamelamariebeesly:

I found the perfect dress that I won’t be able to wear for a loooong time after this, to go out with Ryan. Fun.

Guess we better put this to good use, pretty quick. 

you are my sweetest downfall

i loved you first

Beach

pamelamariebeesly:

She noticed that he didn’t move his hand, and she was surprised when she didn’t mind, she actually preferred it. It was hard to stay mad at Ryan. He had said a lot of amazing things to defend her, a lot. And he always said amazing things. He was the sweetest guy she’d ever met, and he always told her how he’d never hurt her. There was no way he did this with the intention of hurting her. She lifted her head when he asked how bad it looked, tilting her head to the side and wincing a little. “Well, I mean, it’s not…. horrible.” She paused, trying to find exactly how to describe it. ‘You can’t miss it, though.” She couldn’t help but laugh, just for a second, reaching forward and running her thumb lightly, very lightly, beneath the cut on his eye. “That’s probably the worst one. Looks like it’s going to hurt for a while.” Because of her. Because he was stuck in the middle. “I’m sorry.”

“Not horrible, but not good.” He shrugged a bit, not much he could do except let it heal. He’d definitely have to get some real stuff to put on it than just ice and water, but he’d deal for now. Other more important things to worry about. Like making sure they were okay, and hopefully will come out of this still okay, and still feeling the same way they did before all this nonsense. He closed his eyes when she ran her thumb under his eye, grateful she was being gentle. “It’s the one the hurts the most, so that’s what I figured,” he said, sighing lightly and opening his eyes again, looking straight at her. “You don’t have to be sorry, I got myself into this.” He tilted his head a bit, “And trust me, I wanted to do it.” Even though she looked sad and he could see it written all on her face, she still looked beautiful. And he loved her, and he was glad she didn’t hate him or resent him for this entire thing. “I’m the sorry one.” He’d keep apologizing until he didn’t need to, and even after that he still would. He never wanted to see her like this again. “I’m especially sorry he ruined my face. I’ll never look like my perfect self ever again.” He offered her a small smile, shaking his head sadly. 

Beach

pamelamariebeesly:

“It’s not true.” She muttered, refusing to give on that. She understood why he thought that, and she knew what he thought made more sense. But she was his. And he’d figure that out later on. “It does feel like that.” But it wasn’t ruined. It was just that the night was ruined, and so was this entire week. But her and Ryan wouldn’t be ruined. They were… tampered with, yeah. But they weren’t ruined, not in her eyes. It was quiet, and she thought maybe he had left, but she didn’t dare check. Instead she just sat there. Thinking, and not thinking at the same time. It was like she had too many things to think about, and none at all. It was weird. She heard his voice again, but she didn’t jump, which surprised her since she thought he had left. She nodded, without saying a word, feeling him sit down next to her. She turned her head once he touched her arm, resting her head back against her knees, but facing him. “I know you are.” She let out a slow sigh, shrugging her shoulders. “It’s just really hard. A lot to take in. I don’t even know what to feel.” She knew he was thinking all of these bad thoughts, clearly, and she didn’t want him thinking that she hated him, or something like that. Because she didn’t, at all. “I don’t hate you, and I’m not mad at you. I’m disappointed.” There was a difference. Once she moved past the fact that he didn’t tell her, she’d just have to go back to trying to trust him again. 

Her insisting might have made him feel good, any other day in any other circumstance, but right now it didn’t. It just added onto the guilt, even if he had nothing else to really feel guilty about. Just the possibility of him not having his best friend anymore, and the girl he loves forgetting all about him and holding this over him forever. No big deal. Thankfully she acknowledged him when he sat back down, and even if it was something small he was glad she wasn’t choosing to blow him off. “Me neither.” What did you feel when you were feeling a million things at once? He nodded when she spoke again, not knowing what to say. He was feeling the same way she was, sad one second, mad the next.. it was a mess. This entire night was. “I know.” At least she didn’t hate him, and that a good thing. He’d take it, because if she did hate him he didn’t know what he’d do. He sighed, his eyes shutting as he got a rush of pain. Oh right, his face was open and bleeding and he probably looked like shit. Thankfully his lip had stopped bleeding, but his eye still killed. “How bad does it look?” he asked her quietly, keeping one hand on her arm, grabbing the ice pack and holding against his face where it hurt the most with the other. “It hurts like hell, and probably looks about the same.”

Beach

pamelamariebeesly:

She knew he didn’t want to hurt her. She knew that. Why the hell couldn’t she just get over it? He was clearly hurting, and felt bad, no, felt horrible. But she really didn’t know how to just forgive him in this moment. This was something she didn’t understand. Could she understand it ever? She wasn’t sure. But at some point, she’d work on getting over it. Because she loved Ryan. Ryan was her best friend, he was the one she wanted to spend all her time with. There was no way she’d give that up. Even if he hadn’t told her, it wasn’t him who cheated on her. But it was still something she’d have to learn to get over. She listened to him, and she did get what he was saying. She understood. It didn’t make it any easier, but she knew why he hadn’t told her. It was still the fact that he knew this information, and somehow she just wasn’t let in on it. She couldn’t get over it in that moment. She dropped her hand as he took the ice pack from her. He’d also moved a little away from her. What the hell did she do? Really? She shook her head, looking down at her lap. “Don’t say that.” She hated when he pointed out that she didn’t belong to him. Because she felt like she did. Even when she belonged to Trevor. It was some huge confusing web. But a big part of her did belong to Ryan, she believed that. “Everything isn’t ruined, don’t say that.” She watched him stand up, pulling her knees to her chest and resting her head against her knees, turned away from him. She sniffed a few times, trying to contain her emotions. Clearly he didn’t wanna be around her, and she got it. She hadn’t wanted to be around him, either. But she wanted to help him. She could take the hint, though. And she was definitely going home as soon as the sun came up, that was for sure. 

“It’s true though.” As much as he hated to say it, it was a little true. Well, maybe not so much anymore. A quick look at her hand confirmed that she had clearly given her ring back. He didn’t know whether to be happy or sad about that. And he really didn’t want to ask. “It feels like it is.” He just needed some air, some space, his thoughts were moving at a mile a minute. It was all too much to take in, too much to process. He just needed to step back, now that being out here had calmed down his adrenaline rush from the fight, and now he was just left with all the feelings to deal with. He didn’t actually want to get away from her, it wasn’t like he was mad at her or never wanted to see her again. It was just her being here, and making him feel worse about what he did. He knew she was only trying to help though, despite the fact she may have been mad at him and feeling betrayed that he didn’t tell her. Still, she didn’t have to follow him out here, but she did. She was taking care of him despite everything, so that had to mean something, right? And he realized he was hurting her, and possibly pushing her away, and he didn’t want that and he didn’t want her to think that’s what he was doing. This wasn’t her fault, this was Trevor’s. He was potentially taking it out on her, and he didn’t mean to. He loved her, more than anything. “I don’t want everything to be ruined. I didn’t want any of this to happen the way it did. It just sort of… spiraled.” That was putting it lightly. He sat back down where he was, touching her arm lightly. “I’m not sorry I hit him, but I am sorry for what I did to you and making you feel this way.”

Don’t think I’ve ever felt this way in my entire life.

I honestly would rather die than feel like this ever again.

Beach

pamelamariebeesly:

He wasn’t looking at her, at first. And she wasn’t surprised. She knew he felt bad, that much was obvious. She heard it in his voice, saw it in his face. But sadly that wasn’t enough to fix it. She tried being a bit softer after his ‘ow’ because he really wasn’t one to complain, so it must have really hurt. And there was nothing she could do but clean it up. She felt pretty helpless, not just with this situation, but life in general at the moment. She could feel him looking at her now, but she wouldn’t meet his eyes. She didn’t want to get upset all over again. She looked down when he started speaking, putting the towel in the water again and squeezing it out. “It’s a little too late for that, don’t you think?” She whispered back, trying not to focus on the fact that his voice was enough to make her cry. She wished it was as easy as saying it was fine, who cared, let’s move on. But it wasn’t that easy.

She moved to the other side of his face, which didn’t really have as much damage. “I know you didn’t mean to… do it.” She brought the towel to his lip, softly trying to clean up, not wanting to hurt him anymore than he already had been. “But you did.” She dropped the towel into the water and grabbed the washcloth that had ice inside of it, since there weren’t any ice packs in the freezer. She slowly put it on the cut near his eye, carefully, apologizing quietly when he winced. “I trusted you, you know? I mean.. you knew how shitty I felt, how I must be the worst fiancee.. and all this time you knew he was cheating on me?” It just didn’t make any sense at all. “It’s just.. it’s embarrassing. I don’t think I’ve ever been more embarrassed than in this moment.” Her voice cracked, but she didn’t cry. “I know you’re best friends with him, and all that guy code bullshit.. but I thought you and I were more than that.” And that’s what she didn’t get. How far would he have let her go with Trevor? It just.. made no sense at all. It hut.

“I guess so, yeah.” He hated how sad she looked, and how bad she probably felt. But he felt bad too, and he knew she would never understand the position he’d been put in for this entire thing. That sucked, and now nothing would ever be the same again. “I didn’t mean to, I would never want to…. I didn’t know how to tell you.” He tried to focus on her cleaning his face and now get upset, but it hurt despite her best efforts to do it soft. Kind of useless since it was all new and open and probably still bleeding. Definitely still bleeding. “I was in the middle and when he told me what happened I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t tell him what was going on with us, and I couldn’t tell you what I knew, and I considered it…. but I-” he shook his head, moving back a bit from her. “I just couldn’t.” What did it matter anyway? She knew now, she hated him, he hated Trevor and mostly he hated himself. He took the ice pack from her, wishing she would just go away and leave him alone to be depressed. She was only making him feel worse, like kicking a dog while it was down. Adding insult to injury, literally. “I know you did, and that you probably never will, but this wasn’t my intention and it never was. I care about you more than anyone and I still do and I always will and you need to know that. You need to remember that.” He shook his head, turning away from her. He couldn’t look at her anymore, and he just wanted to curl up and die. “Fuck guy code, I wasn’t doing it for that reason, Pam.” He knew whatever he said wouldn’t do any good anyway, and that he was basically saying this to say it, but he had to try. Try and help her see his side. “I couldn’t tell you, because I didn’t want to see your face when I told you. Just because we were doing what we were doing, I knew that didn’t mean this still wouldn’t have killed you, and I couldn’t be responsible for that. I just couldn’t.” He stopped, and all the talking reopened the cut on his lip and he tried to wipe it away, holding the towel on it, wondering if he should just walk away now, fully embarrassed and broken. “He was your fiancee, and as much as I liked to think you belonged to me, you didn’t. You… don’t.” And probably never would. “The feelings you had were still there… as much as I tried not to think about it. So yeah, I fucked up and maybe I should have told you, but it’s too late now. Everything’s ruined.” He stood up, just needing to not be near her. “I hurt you and I’m sorry.”

Beach

pamelamariebeesly:

It was obnoxious that Trevor wouldn’t believe them. Especially her. What reason had she given him not to? He was the one fucking around, literally. He was the disgusting one. At least she’d known Ryan before anything happened. They were best friends, it just happened. “I don’t care whether you believe me, or not. I know I’m telling the truth, that’s all that matters.”

The guys had reacted pretty quickly, charging into the room and pulling them apart - though it was clearly not easy to do. She stood there with wide eyes, looking between the both of them. It was bloody, and man did she hate blood. Trevor was worse, though. But Ryan wasn’t much better. She turned just as Jake and Kevin let Ryan go, and listened to him talk. She watched him leave without a word, looking back to Trevor. “He’s right, you know.” She looked down at her hands, then slowly pulled off her engagement ring. “Take it. It’s over. It’s.. so over.” She placed it in his hand, shaking her head. But then there was a ringing, and she could see light coming from Trevor’s pocket. She reached in, taking out his phone, and seeing the name ‘Jennifer’ light up. She let out a laugh, the kind of laugh where nothing was really funny, but you were so pissed it was all you could do. Maybe she’d regret it later, but she whipped that phone at the wall so hard, she knew it had to have broken. And she actually felt really good after doing it. “Pam, are you fucking kidding me?!” But she couldn’t care less.

She tried not to think about it, as she looked around the kitchen for some ibeprofuen, and a bowl that she could put some warm water in. She grabbed two wash cloths, soaking one into the warm water, and using the other to put ice inside. She was mad at Ryan. She felt embarrassed, and betrayed. She thought she could trust him, and in this moment she wasn’t quite sure. But he’d defended her, he was there for her, like he always was. The least she could do was make sure he was okay. If she could even find him.

She walked carefully down the beach, juggling the bowl and the ice and a glace of water in both hands. It didn’t take too long to find him, maybe five minutes. He was the only one on the beach, due to the fact that it was pretty damn late. She stood silently for a minute or two, just letting things sink in before she carried on towards him. She didn’t say a word as she sat down beside him, placing the bowl beside her and handing him the glass. “Take these.” She dropped two pills into the palm of his hand, then watched as he took them. He had cuts on his face, and bruising already. And she felt bad, because this wasn’t even his relationship to be fighting Trevor about. But he still did. She reached into the bowl of water, taking out the washcloth and squeezing out the excess water. She placed a hand against his face to keep him from moving as she started slowly cleaning the cut near his eye. She didn’t want it getting infected, and she wanted to make sure he was okay.

He had no idea what he was going to do at this point. Should he leave? Drown himself in the ocean? Both seemed like good ideas, especially the drowning one. He felt horrible, and sick, and guilty and a bad friend and really those were all good reasons for drowning. Not many people would miss him. Actually, no one would. Not his best friend who was probably not his best friend anymore, not Pam….. who knew what the other guys would think. It all just… sucked. And even more because he probably screwed it up with Pam which was the worst thing that could come out of all this. He hadn’t told her about Trevor cheating, only because he didn’t know how to tell her something like that. He knew it seemed bad, and that she would probably be pissed and hurt for a long time, but he just cared so much for her that telling her wasn’t something he wanted to do especially if it meant hurting her like that. Plus, he didn’t want it to be coming from him, but it shouldn’t have happened like this. Nothing should have happened the way it did tonight.

But it was too late. It did happen, and he had the cuts and bruises to show for it. When he stormed out of the room he didn’t bother stopping to see how he looked or grab a towel to stop the bleeding near his eye, he just needed to get away. And he wanted to be alone. The beach seemed like the perfect place, since it was late and no one would be around and the ocean would maybe help calm him down since he was still so hyped up. He sat down on a rock that was way off to the side of the beach, pretty much at the end and hopefully concealed him from people. Being out here this late probably wasn’t allowed, not that he cared. He licked his lip and scrunched his face when he tasted blood, reaching his hand up to try and feel how bad the damage was. When his fingers came back scarlet, he knew it wasn’t a pretty sight. Great. 

He didn’t hear her come up silently, and he jumped when she just magically appeared beside him. Ugh. He wanted to be alone and not feel guilty but here she was, not even saying anything to him. This wasn’t what he needed right now. He needed to be alone and feel like shit and then go jump in the ocean without holding his breath. She handed him pills, and he didn’t even bother looking at her as he swallowed them, wondering why she was even here. Then he noticed the bowl and the towels, and he figured it out. He thought about being stubborn and not letting her do this, but she touched his face and she apparently really did want to help, so he obliged without a word. It hurt though, even with the soft towel, wincing when she got near his eye and hissing a bit. “Ow,” he muttered quietly, finding it hard to not look at her when she was this close to him, so he gave in, his eyes scanning her face and trying to see what she was feeling and thinking. “Pam-” he started, his voice barely above a whisper because right now it hurt to do anything else. “I didn’t mean… to hurt you. I- I would never want to do that.” He didn’t even recognize his own voice, struggling to keep his voice steady.

Well, let me tell you a story
About a girl and a boy
He fell in love with his best friend
When she’s around, he feels nothing but joy
But she was already broken, and it made her blind
But she could never believe that love would ever treat her right

Did you know that I loved you or were you not aware?
You’re the smile on my face
And I ain’t going nowhere
I’m here to make you happy, I’m here to see you smile
I’ve been wanting to tell you this for a long while